How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
