Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
