I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
