Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
