If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
