Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
