No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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