At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
