i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
