The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
