Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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