Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
