There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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