I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
