When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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