Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i've created a new STD.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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