Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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