Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
