Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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