I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
