I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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