Dude my mom stole all your condoms
kristin has been a bad kristin
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
