come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
