Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
