That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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