Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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