have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
