Can Purell be used as lube?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize