Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm both gender and math confused
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
