I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
