drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
