remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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