dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He felt like a one man threesome
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
