I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
