My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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