Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
