dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
