how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Say something about gay babies.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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