I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Couch. On fire.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
