I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
