I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
