I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
