I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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