the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
