Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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