jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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