I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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