I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
