i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
