I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
